Friday, 11 October 2013

4 shifty schemes that my cats might possibly be working on

Recently, I've noticed some particularly shifty behaviour going on on the part of the feline members of the household. I know that all cats are clever and manipulative, but Poppy and Rosie are behaving like secret cat agents. They only leave the house in shifts, never at the same time. When they're swapping shifts, they sniff each others noses, as if they're communicating in code. Poppy keeps voluntarily going outside in the rain, something cats NEVER do, and when I go and look for her, she's always in the rockery. As soon as she sees me, she miaows and runs back inside. Clearly, the cats are planning a covert operation, and our rockery is housing something instrumental to the task. I've been speculating about what they might be up to.
I leave this information in your charge, dear reader. If I suddenly go missing, you'll know why.

Royal Mail takeover
We've heard that the government are selling off state shares in the Royal Mail, thus privatising the service. What if the shares have been bought by the Ministry of Cats? Imagine how much havoc they could wreak if they owned our postal service! Letters from the vet could conveniently go missing. Cat owners could randomly receive boxes of cat food, which they would have no choice but to give to their cats. If they went about it in the right way, they could probably end up bringing down the government and electing themselves into power! The possibilities are endless. I reckon our rockery is full to bursting with important letters to political leaders. Imagine if David Cameron got a letter from Barack Obama, but the reply was never delivered... We could have a full-scale political crisis on our hands. And amid the chaos, dust and rubble, a new leader will emerge. A new, furry leader.
Or maybe it's an experiment that's got out of hand. Poppy and Rosie, as the foremost cat scientists of their generation, have been working on the creation of their own cat, a super-cat. Being scientists, they're a little bit geeky and not very good at fighting other cats, which is highly impractical in our cat-ridden neighbourhood. They build a cat from parts of other animals. Technically, the super-cat is half-fox. But now they've made it, they can't control it. They keep it in the rockery, pacifying it with regular offerings of birds and mice. Will it be enough? Only time will tell.

Spying on the mouse government
Alternatively, they could be working to protect us. I know, I know, it doesn't seem very likely, but you must consider that we are creatures that are easily bent to their will, and it is through us that they gain exactly the right sort of food and shelter without having to lift a paw. But what if the mice had an evil plot to destroy mankind? It would be relatively simple as most humans scream and stand on chairs at the sight of a mouse. In fact, The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy hints at mice being far more sentient beings than we realise, and I think that counts as some sort of evidence. Poppy and Rosie are no doubt sitting in on their plotting meetings (which happen in the rockery), and the mice suspect nothing because the cats are disguised as mice. "That's ludicrous!" you all cry. Well, take a look at this photo of Poppy quite clearly disguised as a mouse:

Cats work for Father Christmas

Just hear me out, okay? Why now, why now the sudden interest in the rockery? The only item in the near future marked on the cat calendar is Christmas. This makes me think that perhaps the rockery has something to do with the build up to Christmas. Here's the thing. Obviously Santa can't deliver everyone's presents in one night, the idea is absurd. He needs a lot more help than a couple of elves in Lapland. I think I've worked it all out. The cats work for Father Christmas. I mean, cats are everywhere, right? Each cat is responsible for a few different households, depending on the cat-human ratio in the area. Santa drops off the presents every so often during October, November and December, as they get made, and they are stored in a secure space, in this case our rockery. Poppy and Rosie are taking it in shifts to guard the rockery so that we don't see the presents. Aww, how sweet! Well, obviously they're not doing it without payment - I imagine Father Christmas rewards his workers handsomely otherwise I am certain they wouldn't go through with it. This would explain why we always get Christmas cards signed by the cats as well.

If you have any other theories as to what my cats might be up to, do let me know (serious replies only).

No comments:

Post a Comment