Friday, 27 September 2013

Fun ways to jazz up unemployment

It's an unfortunate fact that since graduating I have been unemployed; in fact nobody seems to want to pay me any money. Nobody, that is, except the government, who have been doling out my weekly benefit. The thing is, having a continuous stream of rejections filling your inbox and frequently having to hang around the Job Centre can give your self-esteem a bit of a knock.And there's no more student loan, so you can't even shop to make yourself feel better! [Clueless voice] As if!
So, it's time to lighten the mood. The grass is always greener, right? At least you're not one of the guys always complaining about their job, or moaning about their boss. You'll never be this free from monotonous drudgery until retirement! Let's make the most of this unemployment malarkey! Who's with me? Ride to ruin and the world's ending! What say you? What say you?!




Ok, I know there are a lot of important things to think about, and obviously most of your time is spent job-hunting, but you've still got more time than people who have jobs, right? Come on, let's stay upbeat.

Write that best-seller.
Apparently everyone has a novel inside them just waiting to be set free, so don't keep it locked up in that dingy prison cell you call a brain! What are you, some kind of sicko? Wrench open those metal bars with your Hugh Jackman biceps and let the words flutter out, landing onto your computer screen. I imagine that's how novel writing goes.
Stuck for what to write? Here's a simple tip: look inside your soul, and observe first the harmonies, then the discords. If that doesn't inspire you, maybe just write some Harry Potter fan-fiction.

Knit all your Christmas presents.
Wool and needles are cheap, but you need to start quickly if you're going to finish in time! How many on your list? 5, 6, 20, 30? You need to start now. Right now.
Pretend you're a spy working undercover.
If someone asks you what you do, tell them you have a really mundane job, but be vague about key details, like what the company does, and what your boss is like. And every so often, just ask really interrogative questions, like you're trying to get specific information out of them, e.g. "What are your views on your Uncle Nigel's will?"; "How would you describe your relationship with Cecil?" (I watch so many spy movies). Wear your thick-framed glasses like a disguise, and always wear a large overcoat, even during the yearly heatwave.

Bake along with the Great British Bake Off.*
No silly, I don't mean while you're watching the programme, that would be one crazy party! You know when you watch the Bake Off and you just salivate the whole time over what they're making? Things like macaroons or fondant fancies, things that would never have entered your head until you started watching. And you just wish you had all the food on screen in your living room right then. Well, the next best thing is to just pick the baked goods you craved the most whilst watching, find the recipe and bake them! And the good news is, you have actual time! So you can even go crazy and make a croquembouche!
*Disclaimer - although this will indeed jazz up unemployment, it will not jazz up your bank balance.

Get emotionally attached to TV characters.
Unlike employed folk, you don't have the society of work colleagues to occupy your mind, leaving it desperate to form relationships with people that just aren't there. Do your mind a favour and let it believe that Pacey Witter is real, and you're best mates with Lorelai Gilmore, and your flatmate is Nick Miller, and you've been invited to Barney and Robin's wedding. Really, until you get a job, it's incredibly healthy. Incredibly.


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